Christine's Story
- Christine
I had been brought up going to the Episcopal Church. My father was an Episcopalian, and my mother a displaced Roman Catholic. So we went to the Episcopal Church. We went most Sundays, and honestly, I remember very few things about that time, but the things I remember are good. Not necessarily "Jesus" or "Bible" things, but social things having to do with the people there. But by the time I entered high school, going to church was a drudgery.
Fast-forward 5 years, and I was now at college. I never went to church. I was too busy with the partying and class schedule of a college student. I felt as if I should go to church, but I pushed the guilt away and didn't go. I had a friend who went to mass on Saturday evenings, and I thought, "Wow, she's such a good person." But I didn’t go. I was not my true self at this point in my life...I was trying to be someone else...someone fun, someone successful, someone attractive, someone cool. I made alot of stupid mistakes, which I shall not go into now, because my kids might be reading this! But I was trapped being the person I had invented.
Fast forward another 5 or 6 years, and I was now out of college and newly married. I had looked for a church when I got married, and I went a few times, not out of the desire to become closer to God, but because I thought if I didn’t go, they wouldn’t let me get married there. I went for a few times after out of guilt, but I fell away from doing that, I guess I didn’t feel like I belonged there or had anything in common with the people.
Now, 6 months later, I am pregnant with my first child. I had a son, and was mortified when the priest has came to the hospital to visit me, because I was embarrassed that I didn't attend services. How did he know I was there? I remembered: I must have put that on the form when I was admitted. How uncomfortable I felt, because I feel so guilty. But, because I am now someone's mother, I decide that I must force myself to attend services again, because I have to get this child baptized.
So, I went for a while, but then I found reasons to avoid going: I don’t fit in there. I have nothing in common. I don’t know anyone there. They are all older than me. So, it was easy to stop going.
In the meantime, I was working and bringing my newborn to a Christian babysitter. I didn’t pick her because she was a Christian, but I was glad she was. She took my child to church things, and I thought that was good, because my child was being exposed to the faith. And I must say, I noticed that she went to a lot of church things...her life was centered around it! Her church was much different than mine. I thought, "Wow. What a nice family she has, and how together she seems. How happy and joyful. How devoted to her church. Good for her." But I still felt like an outsider.
Two years later, I have had my second child, a daughter. My mother and husband were pressuring me to get her baptized, but I felt so guilty about not going to church, that I was too embarrassed to approach the priest. I thought, "How can I just show up and say "Baptize my child" even though I have no intention of attending?" The guilt was tremendous. But, the more people said to me, "when are you going to get your daughter baptized?" the more I avoided going. It was easier not to go.
But all the while, I was watching my Christian babysitter. And, I had also met a few other Christians. I was beginning to grow out of the persona I created for myself in college, and was beginning to grow into the person I now am. I didn’t really know that a transformation was beginning at that time, I just knew I didn't seem right.
I was a wife and a mother. I was looking for something, but I don’t know what. Something inside me told me that what I was looking for could be seen in my Christian acquaintances...I felt drawn to them. And the guilt I felt over avoiding God was becoming too much for me. I said to myself, "Just get it over with and contact a different parish...get your daughter baptized."
So I approached St. Andrew's expecting to be chastised. I was prepared to be punished. But that was not what happened. The priest there was actually glad to see me, and she didn’t make me feel ashamed for not getting my daughter baptized as an infant (My daughter is now 6 years old). They welcomed me, and took us in. She had a normal conversation with us, and didn’t talk "churchy" talk. She seemed like a normal person!
So my daughter was baptized, and I started attending services. I felt love here. Soon I was attending other church offerings. I liked it, and I was actually starting to feel like I was learning things. If there were things I didn’t understand, someone would explain them to me without thinking less of me. I was still not a Christian however.
And then it happened, I was asked to teach Sunday School. I thought to myself, "These people are crazy for asking me to teach Sunday School! I am not a Sunday School Teacher!! I don’t know anything about it. I can’t possibly do this!" But out loud, I answered the priest, "Um, sure. Ok."
And that was the start of my truly becoming a Christian. My conversion did not happen in an instant, but it was a process. God equipped me to teach when I had no knowledge to begin with. And the knowledge he gave me helped me to grow closer to Him. And the closer I grew, the more I wanted to seek.
I joined a Bible Study. I attended special programs. And I made every attempt to attend services regularly. And somewhere along the way, I received the Holy Spirit, and I have had some wonderful experiences, much too personal for me to share here.
I was finally transformed into the person I was meant to be. Something had been missing, and God knew exactly what it was, and he transformed me. I wasn’t a bad person before, or even miserable. I was just incomplete. Looking back, I can see God's hand on me through this whole journey. I wonder, where will he lead me now? -- Christine Bissonette
